Saturday, November 21, 2009

Today

It has been awhile since I have posted here and longer since I have wanted too. Back in the spring I started to be monitored for Multiple Myeloma a cousin to Leukemia. There is no cure but with treatment (when needed) I am told there is longevity in life.


When I was told that this was possibly in my future I really became depressed. I don’t think my friends and family realized how much I was depressed. After surviving breast cancer in 1994 I figured that all my cancer was over. I have been in a state of transition I guess. I am not sure if I developed a fatalistic view or just searching within me for answers.


In the mean time I decided to retire at the end of this year. At the time I filled out the paperwork I was happy and now I am having doubts about my reasons behind it. Of course hindsight is always clearer is it not? I think I thought I was going to die and wanted to live my last few months or years not working. Now I know that may or may not be the case and I need to ask myself: “What do I want to do going forward with my life?” I always thought it was art and I am sure it will be but……


That is the question right? What do I want? I don’t think I know. I am still trying to find the answer to that question.

Northern California, United States